I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
