So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
