Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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