Life is so much better after having sex.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
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I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
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I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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