Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
