I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
These tits shall not be calmed
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
