That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
