uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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