Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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