i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
