yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
