Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
