If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
