When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
