...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
