Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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