You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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