Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
