She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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