How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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