If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
