When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
