Rock
Scissors
Fuck
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
