I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
