He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
