Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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