I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
