you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
