I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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