420 ftw
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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