I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
