You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
