I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
