Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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