Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
