Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
