If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
