I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
