whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
