Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
