Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
