i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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