so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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