Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
