I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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