Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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