I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
