I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My vagina is officially offended.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
