I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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