I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
