My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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