remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
