life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
