Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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