Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
