I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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