then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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