I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
